The Unmentionables

After writing “Who am I?” and receiving so much feedback from other parents that they understood how I was feeling and that this was something that had happened to them, I realised I was not alone, that this was normal, par for the course for many mummies. But then why had no-one mentioned this before? Why had I not heard about this before? I had heard of the “baby blues” and from what I remember that was feeling “a little tearful” after birth. I had heard of postpartum depression but this feeling of loss of identity, this struggle to be an individual was different to that. I had been too scared to discuss this with anyone, too worried that this was just happening to me. Too unsure almost of what was even happening. Realising that you are not the only one going through something can make it seem that bit easier to cope with. Why does no-one ever mention these things? Perhaps give you some sort of leaflet to read at your own leisure? Not to put you off, not to scare you but so that if and when one or all of these things happen to you, you don’t feel like you are failing. So that you don’t feel alone and know that these things are actually normal for many people. So what are these things that many mothers go through that no-one mentions?

Here are my mothering unmentionables. Things that have happened to me along the way that no-one had mentioned may happen. Of course not every mother or parent will go through these things and others will have their own unmentionables but here are mine:

It started right at the beginning, approaching impending parenthood and I was lacking considerable knowledge of how to look after a baby. We attended antenatal classes and whilst these certainly helped they just can’t prepare you for what is about to hit. Some of the things that they do tell you in antenatal classes are not always that helpful either, especially when it doesn’t quite happen like that for you. For example, “your body will tell you when to push.” Mine did not. Mine told me diddly squat, apart from it hurt. When the midwives asked me if my body was telling me to push I found myself lying and nodding along. I didn’t want to be the idiot who didn’t know whether their body was telling them to push. And so it begins. This pretense of knowing what you are doing, that everything is ok. When really I was struggling.

Another thing I remember being told not only in antenatal classes but also a few more times along the way is that “Breastfeeding only hurts if you are doing it wrong.” Breastfeeding is hard, very hard to begin with. For some it is easy and others it is impossible. And for me and others I spoke to along the way it did hurt. Mainly I think, because my boobs, my nipples, my skin and me were not used to feeding a baby and so as your body adapts it is a little uncomfortable to say the least. Your nipples take a bit of a battering and they get “sore.” It does however get easier and less painful. And sometimes I look back and wish that when I was that new mum worrying and fretting that I must be doing something wrong, thinking maybe we already had thrush, that someone had said “Don’t worry it does hurt. It isn’t easy but it does get better, you are doing well.”

So whilst on the topic of boobs and nipples, there is a good chance your body shape will change forever. Not necessarily in a bad way but I definitely feel like I am wider overall. My rib cage randomly seems much bigger, not sure if that is a thing?! I won’t discuss my tummy. I still hope one day to get it back to it’s original elasticity but I am not holding my breath. There are so many people who manage to (or seemingly manage to) snap straight back to their original form more or less. Which is incredible and I have no doubt that for many it takes a lot of work before, during and after pregnancy. However, there are equally so many women who don’t, who struggle with their body image after having a baby. I am one of those. And for those like me sometimes I think we need reminding that our body has done something incredible. OK we might not look how we used to but we are beautiful, powerful and incredible nonetheless.

Sometimes in the chaos of becoming a new parent you can lose yourself. When your world has been tipped upside down, when your life now revolves around a baby 24/7 it is easy to lose your own identity. It is becomes a blur of nappies, feeding, sleepless nights, vomit stained clothes, washing… Oh the endless washing. Staying at home and not going go to work can play havoc with your sense of self too. Where once before I felt successful and a sense of achievement. Routine, success, normality has all been left behind.

Sleep will never be quite the same. Again some lucky people get that unicorn baby that sleeps through from 6 weeks or something equally ridiculous. But for the vast majority it is just not the case. I had, of course, expected sleepless nights at the beginning. Maybe even the first 6 months. But I sort of had it in my head that when they weaned they would start sleeping through. This did not happen with either of my daughters. And I find myself now with my youngest, who is 2 years old, still not able to predict if I will be allowed to sleep through myself. I have come to accept it for what it is. My eldest daughter did sleep through more reliably but still there is still the occasional call for help; for a drink, a lost cuddly friend, or a blanket in a twist. I plan to expect to sleep with one ear switched on for a very long time. Although I would love to know that I was going to get a solid 8 hours sleep for the next 100 nights, I would much prefer that my daughters know that I am always there for them at night. I can sleep when they become teenagers!

Another unmentionable is the loneliness. There will be visitors, baby groups, meet ups with other baby mummies but there are so many times where loneliness creeps in. On the rough days it can feel very lonely indeed. I felt isolated at times. I found myself craving an inane conversation in the staff room over the latest must watch TV series. On the days where your partner phones to tell you they are going for work drinks there is a very good chance that you will hang up and cry because the thought of even one extra hour at home by yourself is just too much.

There will be times where you find your own children irritating. There are times where they almost make my head explode. This does not make me a bad parent. This does not mean I do not love my children. I love them so incredibly much. However, when you spend most of the day together and you have essentially created mini versions of yourself there are going to be times where you reach a tipping point. I have found myself more recently, as my children have grown that bit older, hiding behind a kitchen cupboard door telling them under my breath to please leave me alone or words to that effect. I now know from speaking to others that this is not just me, it is just a sign that maybe a I need a break!

This list of unmentionables is not exhaustive, there are many others I could add or others could add but that might have to be for another time. As I have already mentioned these things do not apply to everyone. But these are the ones that I have lived through. But even after knowing everything I know now, the difficulties, the low times I would do it all again. The unmentionables should not be used to put off or scare anyone but instead to prepare and give comfort. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone. That others have been through this and made it out the other side. That others who have been through this have come out stronger and would not change a single thing.

What is on your parenting unmentionables list?